|
Recently, in the office of a doctor, concerns were raised about my health. I was taken aback. Several tests were ordered, and I was sent home notably anxious. Walking to my truck, even though gravely concerned, I sensed an inner assurance that all was okay. Still, this visit and the prospect of the tests left me realizing mortality in a more clear way than usual ~ my mortality. Even if I were okay now, I knew that cannot always be. This led me to realize that a turning for me is a transition to feeling more mortal at this stage in life, and, possibly, assisted by having been with many persons, some younger than I am, to assist them in transition from the body, when a hospice chaplain. So, I began being honest about still fearing death, not so much of any fear of after but simply that I love life now and want to enjoy it many more years. Yet, the gift of this anxious time has been embracing mortality and contemplating aging, loss of health, and death as a fulfillment, a becoming, not an ending, loss, or conclusion. So, I can reflect I cannot find where birth begins or death begins, where birth ends or death ends. Birth and death are part of one continuum, each contingent on the other. Birth, death, and the time between is becoming, is a gift, is an ongoing turning. Yet, contemplating our own death, we must face that in a relative sense death means something ends, even if the ending is a beginning, even as when a child is born, we cannot deny something is here in this manner that was not before. We simply cannot hide behind our ideas about birth, life, and death. We may transcend them, but only by facing them honestly. The only way to "I cannot die" is "I will die." Then, something more than the opposites of life and death has an opportunity to introduce itself. Then, Grace can lead us to an inner peace, a realization we could not have thought ourselves to, but only been prepared to receive as Gift. This, too, is a turning, a becoming of peaceful acceptance and a subtle understanding we cannot have while clinging to this body.
* * *
This turning is well-spoken of by a friend. He was spiritually devoted, and a Christian pastor serving a church near mine in south Florida. He was diagnosed with brain cancer. He went to Gainesville, Florida, for removal of the tumor. The doctor was clear he had a marked chance of not surviving the surgery. This man, the night prior to the surgery, prayed, affirming to his God that he was ready to go, if this was his time to die. He told me he was then at complete peace. The next morning, a final scan was taken of his brain. To the surprise of everyone, no tumor was found. He left, and went back home to south Florida. This is a turning, both in that he surrendered all clinging to the body and enjoyed peace, and that no tumor was found. Had a tumor been present? Or had multiple prior texts all been false positives?
* * *
Another water to wine story is of a fellow-member of a contemplative community. She and her husband were in marital difficulty, and she was much disturbed over this. She knelt in prayer, and began praying on this matter. She spoke of feeling, as it were a hand touching her on one of her shoulders. What came with this touch, was complete peace. What was the touch? What most matters is not "what" but the turning, the being given peace when there was no peace.
Continued... |
